The Nice Guy Gone and the Pattern of Insanity

Despite the failure of my last relationship I still believe that on-line dating can work for people but as part of my 2008 news years resolution to break old patterns I am opting for the more traditional form of dating going forward.

I like setting goals and making resolutions. I hope I never stop trying to improve myself. Each year I think about what I want to focus on and then I come up with a motto or a sentence that I repeat to myself through the year. In 2007 I made a goal to become more educated about money management and gain the skills I need to grow wealth so my motto became; Life is a numbers game. I don't claim to have it all figured out but I'm doing a hell of a lot better than last year.

I want to break my old patterns - any and all of them. I want to stop making excuses and find solutions. I want to rescript those voices in my head and that is really hard to do. I once read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Each time I repeat a pattern and things end up the same way, why am I so shocked that things didn't go differently??? When I start dating a guy that is riddled with flaws that I cannot accept why should I be surprised when it doesn't last?

It's a fine line, this dating thing. Choosing the right rules for yourself; don't rule out men that you normally wouldn't date because you might find something great that you didn't expect. Don't set your standards so high as to make it impossible for a guy to meet them but don't settle lest you set yourself up for heartbreak. If my pattern is dating egotistical, self absorbed blow-hards then I should try dating the "nice guy" even if it feels uncomfortable. But simply going out with a guy because he's really nice isn't enough. Take my latest relationship - nice guy but still not right for me. I needed someone with a high level of communication skills and I compromised my needs simply in the name of dating the nice guy.

So where does that leave your intrepid dating drivel girl now? Back on the scene and much more cautious than ever before.

Yup, he's a keeper

My god, I really, really hate to admit it but those on-line dating services actually work. I didn't expect it to. Yes, I know...they are supposed to help you find your mate but I just didn't have faith. Now, I've got a fantastic new boyfriend thanks to Match.com and I feel obligated to suck it up and give a testimonial. So here it goes.

Give on-line dating a chance. It may take a year or two of going on many, many dates but you too can find a wonderful person who wants the same things in life that you do. Just don't give up.

There. I've said.

The last guy I expected

I didn't expect it. Really. It snuck up on me from out of the blue. Oh sure, it's only been a few weeks now but so far things are going really well. Aside from being extremely tall (he's over six feet), dark and handsome, I didn't think he was my type. He had so many things going AGAINST him! For starters he's trying to quit smoking although he hasn't smoked around me and I made it clear that I would not date him if he did. He also works the night shift but he has Fridays off. He also has long hippy hair - I hate long hair on men - hate hate hate it! But, he's extremely kind and thoughtful, never smokes around me and is making a sincere effort to quit, he's trying to get on the day shift and he makes time for me and calls me, he is "thinking" about cutting his hair (he already got three inches cut off) and he gave me roses on our second date. Besides all that he "gets" me - my odd humor, my lifestyle restricted by my illness, my nutty love for parrots, my borderline obsessive compulsive need for order and logic (he thinks it's cute), all of me - he really gets it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I might have a boyfriend in the making. I think I'll call him Mr. Hippy Guy.

Sunday Brunch with Mr. Drawly

I had a lovely time with Mr. Drawly on Sunday. He did
not ask me to pay for my meal. He did not stare at
every woman's ass that passed by our table nor did he
make any sexual innuendos toward me. His voice was
high, tinny, drawly and effeminate though. I couldn't
help but wonder, "Is he gay?"

After about thirty minutes of chatting I confessed,
"Look, I'm interested in what you're saying, I really
am but all I can hear is your accent."

He laughed, "Is my accent really that noticeable?
Nobody else has said anything."

"That's because this is Minnesota. Trust me, they
notice it but they won't say anything about it."

He seemed to have a pretty good sense of humor because
he still wanted to take a walk around the lakes with
me after that. At the end of our date he awkwardly
tried to kiss me. Alas, no sparks on my end however
I'm trying to give "nice guys" more than one chance so
I've decided to see him again.

Meanwhile, there are two new guys on my D.R. One guy
who is 37 years old, never married, about six foot
four inches, works in the printing industry. He claims
to suffer from a shyness that seems to border on an
actual type of social phobia. I'll call him Mr. Shy
Guy.

The other contacted me a few weeks ago. At first I was
tempted to blow him off because he lives about three
hours away in Iowa however his picture and his profile
impressed me so much that I responded to his e-mail
and now we converse regularly but we've never spoken
on the phone. He's 45 years old, divorced, three
children who are almost grown and looks ten years
younger. He's also the author of a few very successful
pop psychology books. I'm such a sucker for writers!

Say It With Pinecones

I've been given flowers by complete strangers before. I've had a secret admirer who rode the same bus as me give me a long love letter. I've been given diamond earrings, gold watches and poems and songs and even a painting dedicated to me but last night was the first time I've ever been given pinecones. Mr. Beer Guy brought me back four perfect little pinecones that he scoured Belgium, Germany, Luxemburg and the Netherlands for. His hosts thought he was crazy. I know that what he did was illegal but that makes it all the more charming. On top of that I had a great time last night. Conversation flowed easily and he behaved like a perfect gentleman. I shall see him again.

The Beer Guy Returns

The Beer Guy has actually been keeping up with e-mailing me and said he brought me back a gift from Belgium. Not being one to refuse gifties I happily agreed to meet him for a drink tonight. Before he left for Europe he asked me if I wanted him to bring back anything and I jokingly replied, "A pinecone or a pony!". I hope it's not a pinecone.

There's a new guy on my D.R. (Dating Radar) that I'll be meeting for brunch for the first time this Sunday. He's from the south and if you've ever had the pleasure of hearing David Sedaris speak you can pretty much get an idea of what this guy sounds like. I think I'll call him Mr. Drawly. He's in marketing, 40 years old, divorced, dark hair, dark brown eyes and if his pictures are current appears to be svelte. I'm just not sure about his accent, it's cute now but could I stand listening to that kind of drawl in the long term? It could make me homicidal.

Karmic sign or dirty litter-bug?

After fielding many, MANY e-mails from potential (and not so potential) on-line daters I began to despair. Date after date with duds, phone calls going extremely awry with seemingly normal sounding men, guys who e-mail me but just don't know how to close the deal, I began to wonder, "Is this it? Have I scraped the bottom of the barrel? Is there simply no one out there for me?" I had thoughts of canceling my on-line subscription and getting a cat but then as I was getting into my car last Sunday something on the ground caught my eye. At first I was tempted to ignore it but as I was wearing gloves I decided the likelihood of contracting some fatal bacteria was minimal. It was lying face down - it was a playing card. I picked it up and slowly turned it over - it was the Ace of Hearts. Either the universe is trying to tell me something or there is a naughty litter-bug out there with an incomplete deck of cards. What do you think?